1. dumb_soprano and I got up to watch Hamilton's untimely exit.

2. I've been snot-filled with various colds for a couple of weeks now and I'm absolutely FED UP with it! I want to be healthy!!! (This is a relative term, naturally ...!)

3. Special Church Meeting yesterday was largely positive, particularly as regards finances and our ongoing Regeneration project. We've been offered a large interest-free loan to help us finance the next phase of our development, which is wonderful news. However, one item in particular really frustrated me.

We want to restructure the way in which the church is led/run/some less authoritarian term. The ministers and current Diaconate have been looking into this for at least the past year, reviewing and refining suggestions to put to the Church meeting. Not suggestions for a permanent, set in stone restructuring, but to trial a new system which we believe would mean people had a chance to serve God according to their talents and the needs of the church, rather than the current system which verges on "Oh, nobody else can be bothered, the deacons will do it," at times. Of course, as soon as we put it to the church meeting (with them having had the proposals in advance) as strongly recommended by the current Diaconate, about half the members decide what this church really needs is more time to think about it before even trialling a new system!

This begs one particular question: if the current leadership/dogsbody system is so great, why are people rejecting their suggestions?!

Rant over for now, I promise. But feel free to carry it on in the comments :)

My dear friend Kathryn, as well as having two busy jobs - blogging and listening to me wittering on about Ian Bostridge, has another job as an Anglican priest. Her latest sermon, about Jesus sending his disciples out to preach to the world, was just so marvellous that I had to share it with you all. Here's a taster:

( 'Here we have Jesus, sending out the 12, and their kit-list is daunting in its simplicity.' )

I wonder why I don't update very much any more? I used to update pretty much every day, and lately it's been nearer every week. I expect it's probably got a lot to do with the fact that I'm no longer in "IF I DON'T WRITE THIS DOWN I WILL FORGET HOW AMAZING CAMBRIDGE IS" mode, and coming to terms with the fact that day-to-day life in the "real" world (as real as it can be when you're still living at home!) is more ... ploddy.

Ok, I promise that's the navelgazing done for today. Well, I promise to try to stop the navelgazing there, at any rate.

Last week was quite busy because it was Christian Aid Week, and Sooz and I were stepping into the adult world by having our very own roads to blackmail deliver and collect envelopes along. A big step if you grew up helping your parents do the same road every year! That took up a fair amount of time, but was completely worth it. I also did a morning stint of tin rattling at a station, which was fun but marred by the unseasonable cold and the fact that you're not actually allowed to shake the tin at people and intimidate them! How sad.

As I mentioned before, I horribly hurt my back last Monday, and by the next morning had developed a very fetching BLACK bruise on my arse - a bruise which, ironically, is smile-shaped - but I had to cancel one day of teaching due to sitting down issues, but recovered well enough later in the week that I didn't have to cancel any more - just sit down rather carefully! The bruising is going down now, but I fear I've done more long-term damage by aggravating my back the same way as I hurt it two years ago. I may be calling the osteopath in a couple of weeks' time ... I keep reminding myself that I've been fortunate not to hurt myself any worse, but it's strange being back in the routine of taking ludicrous painkillers and going to lie on the floor to take the pressure off my spine. So if I'm more than usually grumpy, please tell me and then forgive me!

A nice thing, though - Alastair took me out for dinner on Saturday night. This is lovely enough in itself, but in addition to that we got to sit at a really cozy, romantic table up in an elaborate elevated booth type thing ... I can't describe it, but you can see the area in the picture on this page and it was lovely!

And lastly, another nice thing for me was Wasps MUNCHING Leicester to win the Heineken Cup. Hurrah!

Hope you are all well, apologies to those I've been less than brilliant at contacting lately.

The Old Argued Cross. Click the picture to listen.

Drawn to my attention by both Dave Walker and my Dad, and highly relevant not just because of the Jeffry John thing and the Steve Chalke thing, but particularly to our church at present, as we've started a new series in the evenings called "Windows on the Cross", looking at different understandings of Jesus' death.

On Saturday all the deacons went to a local retreat centre for the day, to spend time together in prayer, fellowship and discussion. It was really helpful to get a chance to do that without the pressing agenda of a more formal "Deacons' meeting"; I really feel I know more about how we're serving the church together, and what our vision for the future is. The only downside was that I had to go teaching afterwards, which cut down my reflection time, but even teaching went well.

I seem to have been in quite a positive mood over the weekend - for example, I had enormous fun with the music on Sunday morning! I sang barely a note - just a couple of backing vocals, in fact - but I played the piano on one song, recorder on one, got to bash wooden claves on a couple (enthusiastically joined by the Sunday Club children, who had drums and tambourines as well!), and on the last song got to play what can only be described as power chords on the organ! Whether it was the comparative freedom I'd had in the morning, I couldn't say, but the evening also went very well. This time I was singing as well as playing keyboards, but somehow it just all came together. I also got to sing a song written by Mark and Suzy which I've wanted to sing for years, so using that in a reflection/response time I think spoke very powerfully to the congregation as well as me.

Someone came up to me after the service and said they'd noticed in the past couple of months I'd started to sound really comfortable in my voice again and it was a joy to hear. Of course the classical musician in me worries means I'm not pushing myself hard enough to improve, but the more human part of me realises that this is probably a good thing, because I'm singing healthily and happily. Some of it is, I think, recovering from the emotional and psychological strain of university and the frightening uncertainty I faced just after it. The music yesterday was being well led from the other singers, which leaves me free to concentrate on what I'm doing rather than worrying, and the music happened to suit my voice well, which makes life easier! Some of it may also have to do with resolving this week to take positive action about my appearance - obviously no long-term physical effects are telling yet, but perhaps I'm just feeling happier in my own skin again and that's reflected in my singing. The only person whose approval I've ever really felt compelled to seek is my own, and I often fall short of my own standards in many ways; this is especially true in singing. Somehow, maybe, yesterday I felt comfortable in my own vocal cords, and long may it continue!

I suddenly realised that if I didn't do an update on the holidays this morning, before going back to work, I probably never would! So here's a brief summary of what I've been up to, as much for my own memories as anything else.

( Easter Holidays? )

Anyway, it's back to work this afternoon so I must go and get on! If anybody other than Mum actually read all that I'll be amazed!

I was going to update properly tonight but inspiration struck during closing prayers at our music team meeting and I now have a song not just in progress, but very nearly finished! So please excuse me - it's all in a good cause. I haven't felt this creative in weeks/months! Love to you all xXx

ETA: Finished! Will hopefully record it this summer. Awaiting approval on SibeliusMusic.
ETAA: Score now approved!. (If you'd like a copy, please email me and I'll send it over - I don't expect my friends to have to pay, but I thought it was worth seeing whether anyone else would buy it!)

... So may our hearts share in thine anguish, Lord,
that they may sharers of thy glory be;
Heavy with weeping may the three days pass,
to win the laughter of thine Easter Day!

Peter Abelard (1079-1142), trans. Helen Waddell.


Christ is risen! Alleluia!

... This is the night of tears, the three days' space,
sorrow abiding of the eventide,
Until the day break with the risen Christ,
and hearts that sorrowed shall be satisfied ...

Peter Abelard (1079-1142), trans. Helen Waddell.

Alone to sacrifice thou goest, Lord,
giving thyself to Death whom thou hast slain.
For us thy wretched folk is any word?
Who know that for our sins this is thy pain.

For they are ours, O Lord, our deeds, our deeds.
Why must thou suffer torture for our sin?
Let our hearts suffer in thy Passion, Lord,
that very suffering may thy mercy win ...

Peter Abelard (1079-1142), trans. Helen Waddell.

Whether you are pro- or anti-gay clergy (or even anti- the whole Church), Dr Jeffrey John's sermon from earlier today on the BBC is a must. You can read a transcript here, as he explains why he does not believe in a wrathful God, but one who loves us so much he suffers with us and died for us. This really moved me, so rather than focus on the controversy of whether Jeffrey John should have been a bishop or not or anything else pretty superficial like that, please just go and try reading the words that I believe God inspired him to share with us.

(Thanks to Thinking Anglicans for the link.)

I had my first real "deaconly duty" to perform today, helping to serve communion in a traditional Baptist way (passing around bread and wine to the people, who remain seated). It was a joy to feel I was, in a small way, enabling God's grace and presence to be with people, particularly as we come into the most important part of our year.

Groups in the US are up in arms about a chocolate sculpture of Jesus. I must admit I'm surprised by the uproar; usually the church is censuring the commercialisation of its festivals, the usurping of Christ by Santa and the Easter Bunny. I would've thought that this artwork should be viewed as a comment on just that problem.

All it takes is a few people claiming to represent the church who are much happier being OUTRAGED by anything remotely thought-provoking, and whether or not we agree with them, all that the secular world will remember is that some Christians immediately decided it was Wrong and Disgusting, and we will all be tarred with that brush.

ETA: Kester said what I was trying to say, but much better than I managed to say it. Then the gallery backed out of the exhibition, which saddens me.

I'm still feeling functional rather than alive, but I thought I'd briefly tell you all what's been keeping me from you!

Thursday afternoon/evening was taken up by choir, as usual, but Thursday morning was taken up by rearranged singing teaching. This was because Friday was a concert day, which mostly meant choir rehearsals all morning, lunch, shopping for leaving presents for Tom, and supervising children! Although the afternoon was much quieter, as most of the younger choirs had gone home, it was still a very long day to be in Croydon. As for the actual concert, well, I was dead chuffed. My boys sang so well! I was very proud of them. I had a panic about half an hour before we started, when I suddenly thought "I'm about to go out there, turn my back on hundreds of people, and wave my arms around! What made me think I could do this?!". In the event, they were superb, and I was shocked by the sheer volume of the applause! Perhaps it seems louder when you're conducting. The other choirs sang really well, too, so it was a good evening for us as well as for the bands! In the interval, the choirs made a little presentation, giving Tom his leaving cards and gifts, which he loved - made all our shopping stress in the afternoon worthwhile! (I'll plug again the reason Tom's leaving: Songline.)

Saturday meant another of HTB's worship central days, which was just as useful as the others we've been to! Luke was able to come this time as well, which was brilliant, because I knew he'd love it! Every time we go, I'm struck by how passionate the people at HTB are, and I just thank God for that. In the evening, Alastair met me, and then continued his latest campaign, which seems to be to spoil me rotten, by taking me out to dinner at an Argentine steak house! (No, I'm not doing very well lately at losing weight. But there was steak so it was worth it!)

Sunday was church in the morning as usual, and church in the evening as usual. In between, I had to meet another conductor and pick up some copies from her for our joint concert in a couple of weeks' time. On this occasion, John won't be there, so I'm conducting. Eek! Before the evening service at church, we had an amazing caribbean food event, which was totally INCREDIBLE. I want to learn to make jerk chicken! We were supposed to have a male singer turning up to contribute to our "Amazing Grace Sunday" service, but he backed out. Luckily, we have lots of musical talent in our church, so a few of us were able to fill the gap he'd left in the "songs of freedom" section of our service, and it went down really well.

Monday I mostly spent collapsed in a heap on the sofa. That's why it's my day off. In the afternoon I rallied and sorted out some recipes onto cards, and planned dinners for the week, but that was about the extent of my energetic output for the day!

Tuesday was actually quite a life-affirming day for me. I've been feeling a bit isolated, like I don't have many friends I really spend much time with around here, and got my usual negative feelings about people just putting up with me when I do see them. But yesterday, I made a conscious effort to walk a lot, and bumped into two people as I was walking down to church! I also met Michele (from school) for a coffee in Bromley in the afternoon, and bumped into somebody I knew in the library as well. In the evening I attended my first ever Deacons' Meeting, and survived ... I actually really enjoyed it, and as we finished early (shock horror!) we were able to spend some time in prayer together, which was really valuable.

Apart from that, it's the usual lesson prep, organisation, and admin, admin, admin. I seem to be sending lots of emails of late ...!

I've been pretty quiet on spiritual matters lately. This is partly because I've been ill and tired for a couple of weeks, partly because I don't want to say anything that makes me a bad naughty deacon, and partly because it's just so bloody hard to say anything you want to about God and living with him without it coming out wrong, which is why we have theologians to help us say things properly. (Actually, saying things and them coming out wrong is a bit of a specialty of mine generally, so you can understand my reticence.) BUT, I'm going to be bold and jot a few things down here anyway.


I'm currently really enjoying a cartoon blog called asbo jesus. It's thought-provoking and in pretty colours - what more could you want? Some of it you might be offended by at some point, some of it you will laugh at (probably things which offend another group, no doubt!), but it's the sort of everyday theology which I quite enjoy.


I picked up Table Talk today after a few weeks away from it (reading other things). I rather like immersing myself in Luther's world, although it strikes me that if he and Saint Paul were in the same room, they could probably have the mother of all arguments - what a cantankerous pair! There's hope in that, though - God doesn't have to make us fluffy and wuvverwy before he can use us. Paul and Luther may at times get cross about things which seem unimportant or just plain wrong, but they're just so passionate about loving and serving God. I'd rather be like that than spend the rest of my life singing "Kumbaya" and "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" - what damn difference does that make? I want to be part of a church where we can all sometimes be angry, sometimes be wrong, sometimes even disastrously wrong, but where we can also be strong, be searching, and above all be confident that God loves our passionate natures, because that passion is a reflection of his passion for us. Of course, this could be me jumping on an excuse for being prickly - I certainly haven't produced any profound tomes of theology to compensate for my irritability ... still. I think you see what I mean.


Why are some people brilliant at praying out loud, whereas my heart actually beats faster and my palms sweat if I even so much as THINK about volunteering a one-line prayer during a time of open prayer? To be honest, I feel like I'm a bit under pressure on this one as a Baptist and now a deacon, because I feel like people expect me to contribute. But I just HATE it! It's not me, I don't have that gift, and I don't want ot be guilt-tripped about that. Please, let me join in your prayers in silence or by a response - I will gladly do that. Ask me to pray out loud "spontaneously" and I would rather play the piano naked for the rest of the service!


I keep being really irked by the Pope's comments on music during Mass. I understand and share his dislike of the worst of modern songs, which are musically banal and totally lacking theological thought. But I do feel that he is abusing his position, letting his own tastes get in the way of his judgment as to what best serves his flock in serving God. The best consideration I've read of this whole conundrum comes from Nicholas Kenyon, Director of the Proms, who wrote an article in the Telegraph in the middle of last year which is still utterly relevant to the issue nine months on.


I'm thinking of doing a post on the Lord's Prayer, going through it line by line and expanding on what it means to me. Would people be interested in this? And is there a word for this which is better than exegesis? Exegesis seems a bit too solid for what I'm interested in doing. Must be because I'm INFJ; I don't want the Feelings I express to be tied down/misinterpreted as anything as grand as Thoughts. If I ever have anything as grand as a "Thought" I will be sure to let you know.

Had a wonderful weekend, particularly meeting my darling spaminalium, whom I hadn't seen since her birthday party last summer. Lots of time with Alastair as well, including meeting up with close uni friends for a couple of drinks. Of course any time with him is lovely, especially going to church together, and particularly sharing communion. Sooz was also home for the weekend, so it's been a rare weekend as I've seen both my best friends AND my boyfriend all in the space of two days!

Most scarily, but excitingly, of all, the church meeting elected me to be a deacon, so today marks the beginning of new responsibilities for me in serving God and the church! Prayers are much appreciated, as this is obviously completely new to me in all sorts of terrifying and wonderful ways.

Yesterday's concert with the Bromley Youth Chorus and Bromley Youth Chamber Choir went really well. A Mozart Divertimento, then his Clarinet Concerto, then after the interval we joined the orchestra for Haydn's "Nelson" Mass. It all went pretty well, so I'm tempted to get the CD so my parents can hear it. I stayed over with Alastair so I didn't have to trek so far home, and had a lazy morning before heading home for church etc in the evening.

Luke was home (having been on an NFL Europe training camp) and played and sang with the band this evening, which was a real joy - I just love playing and singing with him, because it often has an almost instinctive feel. I'm actually going to see him again tomorrow anyway, as I head up to Cambridge for a couple of days, but any time together is nice!! My other piece of church-related news is that I was asked to put my name forward for the church to consider me at the upcoming election of the new deacons, which is kind of scary but as more than one person had this thought I have to assume that God wants my name put forward for this election, whether I get elected or not! For those of you less familiar, this brief pdf is quite a handy summary of what deacons are and do. So, if you're a praying kind of person, please pray for my church and me as we try to discern God's will!

This warm, muggy weather makes me lethargic. I could really do with a cold, crisp, sunny day to up my vit D levels and encourage me to go for walks to shed a few pounds! I blame my lack of LJ updates on the aforementioned lethargy, so please forgive me, my friends!

In case you were wondering, I had a wonderful birthday, thank you! (Verlinda, your card arrived today - thanks!) I went to work at the music centre, and was embarrassed by multiple people wishing me a happy birthday very loudly - culminating in the whole choir singing "Happy Birthday" to me at the end of rehearsal! I blushed, but it was nice as well :) Then I headed out to the pub with the usual Thursday suspects, and Alastair had come down after work as well, so he gave me my presents in the pub. Mum and Dad joined us at various points later in the evening, then I went home at a sensible hour and slept like a log.

This was because on Friday, I started peripatetically teaching singing at two secondary schools. So now my learning on the job has really started! I have a very mixed bag of pupils, from relatively experienced singers to absolute beginners. I realised that I need to become an expert in pop and stuff fairly quickly! I also discovered that teaching one-on-one for more than one lesson on the trot is mentally quite tiring! Still, I did enjoy it and I'm looking forward to going back this week without the nerves born of starting in totally new places with unknown people! Then I gave my lovely little piano pupil a lesson, and my family, Alastair and I went out for my birthday dinner at Dizzy's.

Saturday, sadly, did not bring a lie-in, but it was for a good reason: another worship central day at HTB. A much smaller group of us went than last time, but I still found the talks very useful. I also bought a couple of books which was expensive but obviously completely necessary! Afterwards, Alastair came to meet me and we went to a pub, where we were joined by our uni friend Louisa. We were all supposed to meet up with Chris and Rhian (also uni friends) later, but unfortunately I started having an allergic reaction in the pub and although it wasn't life-threatening, the only way to deal with it was for me to leave and go home, which was a bit sad as I missed out on seeing our friends. However, once home and back in control of my body, I consoled myself by opening this year's bottle of birthday whisky, which is gloriously smooth and cheered me up immensely!

Sunday obviously meant church, with singing in the morning, and playing in the evening. Inspired by the keyboard workshop at HTB the day before, I brought my keyboard along and managed to run it through the clavinova, giving me more sounds to play with. It's hardly a top-class synth, but it's a start and certainly brought more depth and breadth to our sound. I wasn't brilliant, but at least the experiment worked! Then I went up to stay over with Alastair at the flat for the first time, which was fine. Yesterday I went to Chappell's to boost my library with a few choons (see Friday's comments!), met Mum for lunch, and babysat in the afternoon. Phew!

Yeah, so, choirs are eating my life!

Thursday: Choir rehearsal with BYC members who can make busking this week.

Friday: Choir rehearsal with my church choir, which was very stressful as a whole bunch of stuff had changed which I didn't know about. Drank mulled wine and put up decorations afterwards as a stress relief!

Saturday: All day in Wrotham, doing rehearsals and a concert, and being fed marvellously in between. Good fun, actually! Late back, though.

Sunday: Church in the morning, of course, including singing a beautiful new song by Luke. Then we actually all managed to be in for Sunday lunch, which was nice. Church in the evening - candlelit carol service, to which many of thecupboard came and saw me arm-waving! Also had a horrible accident when a music stand which someone had seen fit to put on top of the music cupboard came crashing down onto my head from about five feet up. Very, VERY painful, and I was very lucky not to have split my skull, fainted, or been concussed. So I was still able to go out with Cupboard people afterwards (just not drink). I do, however, still have a really sore head.

Monday: Felt sorry for myself with my sore head. Posted Christmas cards. Got offered some more singing teaching work!

Tuesday: Will be making mince pies, delivering some cards, and going to see Alastair for the last time before Christmas. (It's ok, he's back not long after it!)

I know I've been bad and not really updated with much, let alone anything of substance. I have lots of feelings about Christmas and what it's really about, but I also enjoy the ritualised traditions we have, and they take up time. Rest assured that I am having lots of deep thoughts - I'm just not really articulating them at present!